i update my tumblr a lot more than i update this thing.

it’s just so much easier.

http://bangbangandagain.tumblr.com

It’s a great feeling to wake up early, drink some coffee, feel the chill from the window that’s slightly cracked open… the sun’s shining outside, the air smells crisp and clean, and there’s no sound in the room, just me in my own world, ready to start the day, feeling completely refreshed after seven hours of sleep.

Despite whatever keeps holding me back, I feel like it’ll all be okay.

There was a party two nights ago. My main goal was to get “drunk as fuck” which I did after downing five to six vodka & orange soda (the combination is not so good) mixes within half an hour. 1/3 vodka, 2/3 orange soda. This brought about two realizations. One, I hate J.A. because she’s a cunt ass whore. Two, I’m tired of being used for reasons that I’ve already disposed in a previous post which is set as private because I don’t want to cause any potential problems.

All in all, the night started off fun and got shitty very fast. So then, my friend calls me and I go downstairs to talk to him. My roommate was sleeping, so I sprawled out on the lounge couch to talk, looking at the ceiling, which is pretty gross.

Of course, while I’m talking about who knows what, I notice that the water stains (I think) on the ceiling sort of look like animals. The first one is an angry gorilla and the second one is a camel. My friend probably thought I was completely stupid. But anyways…. here’s my vision:

Scribbles, really, so please don’t criticize the lack of artistry shown, but don’t you see it? The superhero gorilla? And the camel?

First off, the bio test went smoothly! This weekend will be awesome. I don’t have anything due next week besides a few readings that are not very important, which means I’ll have time to relax, party, have fun, etc!

I’m not really sure if I have anything left to say.

Oh, I was also looking through a few AIM logs yesterday and found this:

How awkward is that?

There’s a gnat in my room and it needs to die. I hurt myself three times trying to kill it.

Anyways, I have a bio exam tomorrow which I really need to study for. The thing is, right now, my mind is running and distracted and I figure if i just write everything that I’m thinking down right now, somehow, my mind will start to relax and focus on learning everything it can about DNA, RNA, plasmids, viruses, introns, extrons, and whatnot.

The first thing that I’m thinking about is how much I love Nivea soft lotion.

When I was young, my mother would always have lotion on her hands, and it was always something I thought about as a “grown-up” thing to do. And the smell of Nivea and the act of putting it on reminds me of my younger self and makes me nostalgic in a way, because I’m no longer the child in the situation.

Okay. The second thing on my mind is registration. So far, I’ve got this:

I need to take Spanish and/or Music Hum, but I’ve been refreshing the registration page all day and no spots opened up.

The last thing that’s been bothering me is how self-conscious I am and how much I hate my nose. I can never take a picture without crossing out my nose.

Okay, time to start studying.
This includes:

&&

High School Musical 3 was not the stupid shitshow I thought it’d be. Zac Efron and Corbin Bleu have grown up like WHOA. When they started singing “The Boys are Back,” I swear, me and R and every female in the theater started giggling. Seriously, eye-gasm, ear-gasm, everything-gasm.

Anyways.

The boy situation is now non-existent. We’re just friends, will probably always be just friends, and I’ve just got to make my insides stop squirming whenever he talks to me.

1) People need to smile more.
2) I ruined my eyebrows.
3) I’m about to head out, so I’ll keep this short.

Sometimes I say things I shouldn’t say. A lot of times, they mean nothing. Sometimes, they’re lies. In this case, it was a lie, it meant nothing, and I shouldn’t have said it. Even though [you/he/etc] might not think it changed anything, I felt the whole dynamic of our relationship change.

I regret that.

In last night’s dream, I was wearing a dress that was way too short. It had horizontal black-and-white stripes and was lined in red on the inside. I was on some bleachers that were full of sitting people and kept climbing up, maneuvering over strangers, trying not to flash anybody.

And then I was in some class where the teacher was like “I want functions, not assignments!” My project was some program where you could plot three points of a triangle and automatically find the “critical point” whatever that is.

It’s nice not to dream of him.

I’m scared.

me: i don’t want my happiness to rely on him?
rach: I do not think that should have ended with a “?”

And therein lies the problem. Am I being a stupid drama-queen because I’m trying to hurt him or myself? Shit son, I don’t even know if he likes me.

I’m just so confused.

Well, on a happier note, I keep seeing the “Role Models” ad on my AIM and it makes me me happy. I saw a free screening of that movie a week or so ago and it was AMAZING. It’s one of those movies that’s actually funnier than it’s trailer is. I got passes to see another free screening of it today, but I’m probably going to give it away since I have to work.

Oh well.

Last night was amazing. By the screaming outside my window, I was alerted whenever Obama won a state (that, and I was also relentlessly refreshing the cnn political count browser). I practically screamed along with the rest of NYC when his electoral count shot up and over 270. The rest is history:

Other than that, I did have another scary/sad/depressing/heartbreaking dream last night.  It involved someone that I’m close to and hope to be closer to and a few females that are supposedly my friends.  I do remember stockings and the removal of stockings at some point in my dream.  I also remember asking someone distinctly “Tell me the truth, did you hook up with him?” and the unfortunate answer to my question was “yes,” which resulted in an emotional breakdown on my part.  I’m such a jealous person.  That dream hurt so much that I’m still feeling the pain after an hour of being awake.