i update my tumblr a lot more than i update this thing.

it’s just so much easier.

http://bangbangandagain.tumblr.com

It’s a great feeling to wake up early, drink some coffee, feel the chill from the window that’s slightly cracked open… the sun’s shining outside, the air smells crisp and clean, and there’s no sound in the room, just me in my own world, ready to start the day, feeling completely refreshed after seven hours of sleep.

Despite whatever keeps holding me back, I feel like it’ll all be okay.

Last night’s dream was insane. At one point, we were all going to six flags, but since my debit card was canceled and I was low on cash, M.T. covered for me. But then, I realized that to go on rolling thunder (which looked a hell of a lot like Skull Mountain), we had to pay one hundred dollars,… which I didn’t have. I decided to go back home, but M.T. said she already spent enough money on me.

At some point, I remember sitting down and seeing Shawn walk down in some weird pashmina around his hip.

The worst part was when I was back in the dorms (which didn’t really look like dorms… more like hotel rooms). A.W. was sitting on my bed and I sat down with him and we started talking with M.T. M.T. was upset because of some designer who decided to call her design “strawberry chocolate” because the word “chocolate” supposedly meant “black people.” M.T. ran out of the room and A.W. was explaining this all to me. During the explanation, he kept moving closer and I kept moving closer and, out of the blue, he just kissed me.

It was pretty short and I suddenly felt like a terrible person because he had a girlfriend back at home.

What sucks now is that I can’t stop thinking about him.

High School Musical 3 was not the stupid shitshow I thought it’d be. Zac Efron and Corbin Bleu have grown up like WHOA. When they started singing “The Boys are Back,” I swear, me and R and every female in the theater started giggling. Seriously, eye-gasm, ear-gasm, everything-gasm.

Anyways.

The boy situation is now non-existent. We’re just friends, will probably always be just friends, and I’ve just got to make my insides stop squirming whenever he talks to me.

1) People need to smile more.
2) I ruined my eyebrows.
3) I’m about to head out, so I’ll keep this short.

Sometimes I say things I shouldn’t say. A lot of times, they mean nothing. Sometimes, they’re lies. In this case, it was a lie, it meant nothing, and I shouldn’t have said it. Even though [you/he/etc] might not think it changed anything, I felt the whole dynamic of our relationship change.

I regret that.

In last night’s dream, I was wearing a dress that was way too short. It had horizontal black-and-white stripes and was lined in red on the inside. I was on some bleachers that were full of sitting people and kept climbing up, maneuvering over strangers, trying not to flash anybody.

And then I was in some class where the teacher was like “I want functions, not assignments!” My project was some program where you could plot three points of a triangle and automatically find the “critical point” whatever that is.

It’s nice not to dream of him.

Last night was amazing. By the screaming outside my window, I was alerted whenever Obama won a state (that, and I was also relentlessly refreshing the cnn political count browser). I practically screamed along with the rest of NYC when his electoral count shot up and over 270. The rest is history:

Other than that, I did have another scary/sad/depressing/heartbreaking dream last night.  It involved someone that I’m close to and hope to be closer to and a few females that are supposedly my friends.  I do remember stockings and the removal of stockings at some point in my dream.  I also remember asking someone distinctly “Tell me the truth, did you hook up with him?” and the unfortunate answer to my question was “yes,” which resulted in an emotional breakdown on my part.  I’m such a jealous person.  That dream hurt so much that I’m still feeling the pain after an hour of being awake.

There is so much to do, but my limbs feel heavy and I can’t make myself move for the world.  My mind’s scattered - it hasn’t been able to focus in a long time.  I wish I could make this an anonymous blog, but I love myself too much to do so.  This was intended for dreams, but I haven’t dreamt in such a long, long time.

The last dream I had involved a ship, some people that I consider myself close to, and some people that I despise.  The ship was an island and I was running from something, trying to hide, … I couldn’t even stand up.  Nobody could hear me, nobody cared.  The entire time, I felt myself being drowned out.  On top of that, one of the people I feel close to found himself infatuated with one of the people that I despise.  It was heartbreaking in a way I can’t explain very well.  Like losing a friend to the fucking dark side.

That dream was a little while ago and I’ve recovered from the shock.  It was one of those moments when you realized just how much people meant to you, just how much you could possibly hate or love.  Eye-opening, I guess.

Anyways, I smoked (mary jane) for the first time on Halloween.  I was pretty drunk and didn’t feel anything but super drunk.  It’s okay, though.  I’m set on trying again either next weekend or the weekend after that.  And then this winter break will be awesome when I meet up with cool people and get “baked as fuck.”

Anyways.  I just discovered this photofunia thing and think it’s awesome:

First off, I want to share this!

That’s my dog! Over the summer, she had tons of fleas, so we sprayed her with this flea-killer thing. She kept trying to bite her leg, though, so we put socks on her so she wouldn’t. Isn’t she cute? I love her so much.

So my manager at work really likes me. I work for my school’s calling center; I basically call alumni and ask for donations to Columbia’s annual alumni fund. Apparently, I’m getting pretty good stats, so that makes me really happy.

Midterms are next week so this weekend’s going to be really, really busy.

Hm.

So about the boy.

I don’t know! He makes me smile and I think I might really like him. I tend to jump into things without looking, though, and I’ll end up misinterpreting things and making a fool out of myself. And if that happens, I’ll end up falling hard and fast and eventually, I’ll end up crying my eyes out about him. So I think I’ll just keep this slow and steady. It’s hard, though. I have to constantly remind myself to stop thinking a certain way, stop getting too excited… it’s not easy.

Thanks for the comments and words of encouragement!  It made me feel a lot better.

Anyways, life is pretty good!  My friends are still my friends, school is going well, work is great (or as great as it can be), and (mostly) everything is as it should be.

There’s also this one person who sorta makes me smile a lot and as of right now, I have no idea what that means.  I’ll just let it go where it goes and be happy with that.

Anyways… I think I’m the last to know this, but JAMES FRANCO goes to my university!  :D  I’m STILL not over that!